Home

Tonight, I really miss home. I miss my friends there. I miss the feel of a real city. I miss the way you can see the beach on clear days. I miss the feeling of being completely surrounded by people who love me. I miss the diversity.

Most of all, I miss my family and that feeling of belonging that comes with being near them.

If I didn't have to worry about school or money or anything else, I'd be in my car and driving down I-15 right now.

I miss my parents.

I miss my little brother.

I miss the comings and goings of a family unit. I miss the crazy get-togethers. I miss talking with my mom in person about whatever is on my mind. I miss the quiet moments I get with my dad. I miss screaming to extremely loud music in the car with my brother before we go out somewhere public and he embarrasses me somehow.

They say home is where the heart is. I know exactly where mine is.

People

There comes this moment when you realize that some people are going to think whatever they want of you simply because they can't deal with the truth. They're going to hear what they want to hear, think what they want to think. And no matter how hard you try to see the good, how much you try to save the relationship, it's not going to change.

That realization hurts.

There could be hundreds of good memories in your past, but they're just that: memories. You start to wonder at what point to stop fighting because all you're doing is hurting yourself and reaching for something that doesn't exist. And then you start to worry that maybe, just maybe, they're right. Maybe you are a bad person. Maybe you do hurt people maliciously.

Because if you didn't, why then do the majority of people seem to walk out on you without a glance backward?

Struggle

I haven't written a lot lately. I think it's because I've been so determined to just go with it and accept what is. But there are some days when I can't fight back the negativity.

I've been doing well for the most part. Every now and then I catch a little "I wish I was in California" thought floating across my mind. Or I catch myself panicking about the future. I can usually push it back and move on. That is, until this morning when I woke up completely sad.

The fact that it's Friday the 13th hasn't escaped me.

I don't usually put stock in stuff like that, but today I can't help it. I keep thinking it's summer and I should be at home, at the beach, with my family. But then I remember that I can't go to school there, I don't have a job there . . . nowhere that I really belong. I don't feel like I really belong here either. What am I supposed to do with my life when I actually finish school?

What do I have going for me?

Ekphrasis

\ˈek-frə-səs\ - a literary description of or commentary on a visual work of art

Winter semester, my English professor told us about the sonnet challenge he had dedicated himself to. He created a blog and every single day, for an entire year, he writes a sonnet.

Of course, I was intrigued by this. But . . . I hate poetry. Why would I want to write sonnets?

Well, that's where ekphrasis comes in. I am challenging myself to write a short ekphrastic piece every day for the next year.

And I'm excited!

So, what does that mean? Well, I'm going to set up a separate blog where all the pieces, along with the photo or piece of art will be posted. Because that's what ekphrasis is: literature based on visual art.

Here's where my plea comes in. I'm asking you - yes, you, reading this blog - to send me pictures. Something you find on the internet, your favorite painting, whatever you want will work! Remember, I have 365 pieces to do here, people. I need art! Please!

So, give me a bit to set up the blog and get the ball rolling. But in the meantime, send those pictures to sydneywright11@gmail.com. I will love you forever!!

Guess What?

This semester needs to be over. I'm so done with it and all the crap that has come with it. I don't even care about my classes anymore. The pile of assignments I have right now is about to receive a very angry and impolite tirade about how it needs to shove off. And I'm not exaggerating.

And as for people . . . I constantly feel like I'm always having to second guess myself because I decided to question something or because I don't want to do something. You step one toe out of the expected line and you will have at least three people jumping down your throat about it. Even the people you think are your best friends or who you can trust the most are suddenly at the front of the mob.

Here's the deal: people are all different. Not everyone does the exact same thing, not everyone has the same views. That's the way we were created. All the people moaning about their own opinions not being accepted need to step back and realize they may be the exact same way.

Overall, people just need to get off their high horses and get rid of the condescension. There is absolutely no need for it.  There gets to be a point when you can't ignore it.

I'm done. And forgive the total rant post, but it needed to be said. School needs to die. People need to stop being fake and rude. And I am ready to quit.

Cadbury Egg: Memory #4

There was one day my first year at BYU that I had the worst possible day. Everything went wrong in my classes, with my homework, with my friends, with myself. The only thing I was looking forward to was getting to go swim laps with a friend at the sports building that night.

Even that went wrong.

I got kicked out because my bathing suit was exposing too much of my chest. When I asked Doug what he wanted to do, he decided to stay behind and keep swimming. I fled with extremely hurt feelings and barely able to keep myself under control. After changing and starting the cold trudge back to my dorm, I finally lost it and called my mom.

I ended up sitting under a little overhang by the back entrance and spilling everything to my mom. I sat there and sobbed quite unattractively, praying no one would pass by.

Of course, someone did. A girl walked right by me, giving me a brief glance before rounding the corner. I continued to sob into my phone, now a bit embarrassed, when she came back. She walked right up to me and held out a Cadbury Creme Egg.

"I hope you feel better," she said.

I know I must have looked stunned as I took it from her and thanked her. She smiled and then continued on her way. I couldn't help the small smile on my own face as I looked down at her gift.

Now, every time I see a Cadbury Egg, I smile.

Airport: Memory #3

At the end of my freshman year at BYU, I flew home for the summer. Although sad to be leaving some amazing friends, I was elated.

I got to go home.

I sat at the airport for hours, endured the terrifying plane ride, and then set off into the craziness that is Los Angeles airport, all the while texting my mom with my progress.

As I stood in baggage claim, waiting for my two enormous bags, I could feel the anticipation literally buzzing through my body. I wanted to run to the curb and to my family with a triumphant "Screw my luggage!"

But I didn't have to.

Because I heard my name and when I turned, my mom and my brother were both running through the crowds toward me.

Poisonous: Memory #2

"He has a lot of moles on his back. Did you notice that or is it just me?"

"Well, I have a lot of moles on my back. I'm like a speckled frog."

"Did you know those are poisonous?"

"Moles?"

"No. Speckled frogs."

Blackbird: Memory #1

The song "Blackbird" always makes me think of my dad.

The first time I ever heard the song was as his fingers strummed his guitar and he sang it quietly, almost to himself.

And no matter who is singing it or who covered it, those opening chords always take me back to a ward Christmas party where I was going to sing "Silent Night" as my dad accompanied me. We sat in one of those little rooms off the pulpit and as I'm sure I panicked in some form of stage fright, he sat there plucking gently at the strings and singing softly until I was ready to face the crowd.

Give Up

I've been absent lately and I apologize for that. I've been struggling with the next day topic and I got so frustrated I had to just step away for a bit. I'm still working on it, but don't expect it any time soon.

Things have been rough lately. I'm not sure why and I don't think I completely understand it, but I didn't really want to write about it. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to deal with people telling me to go to therapy or get myself on medication. I'm sure they mean well, but I just didn't want to hear it. (I still don't, but I'm sure I'll get some.)

I'm so done with school, especially this semester. It's a struggle to pay attention in my classes, let alone drag myself to them. I love the learning and opportunity to further myself. But the tests. And the homework. I'm fed up with the stressing over whether I'm performing to someone else's standards and whether I'm learning the "correct" things. I know there are essentials that I need to know, but as for the other things like interpretations and meanings . . . can't I decide those for my own? Can't I figure out what is going to be most beneficial to me and to my life?

And people. My patience has been so stretched lately. I've got a tenuous grasp on it. But honestly, I'm so sick of feeling judged or frowned upon by every person around me. I know, I know, I'll get that everywhere in some degree for the rest of my life. For some reason, I've felt it in unnecessary abundance around me lately. If you don't agree with me, so sorry, but I am allowed to have my own opinions. I am allowed to be who I want to be and have my own beliefs. I'm not killing people or going against my morals or harming anyone else. If you don't like it, no one said you had to stick around, especially if you're just going to tell me how wrong I am or how disapproving you feel of me. Guess what? We were all raised differently. I respect your views and don't force mine on you. All I'm asking is a little of the same consideration. I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to grasp.

And still, there's always that horrid feeling of loneliness. Like I'm alienated. I have no idea how to handle it or the rest of my life for that matter.

I'm ashamed to say I've entertained thoughts of giving up and running. Because right now, I just can't find the strength to fight back and blaze my own path. I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Forget it. I'm done."