Day Ten

I don't have much tonight. At this point, I'm fed up and tired. I've been doing Italian homework all day.

Literally.

I've just now finished and I'm about ready to tear all my hair out.

Non mi piace!

Outside the horrid homework cloud, today was back and forth. Condoleeza Rice came and spoke in a forum. She gave an amazing speech. I wish I was awake enough to share it.

Perhaps tomorrow.

There were a few tears and one breakdown where I was seconds away from calling my mom and saying I was done. I was sitting alone in my room and I had to focus on my music until I calmed down.

I obviously got through it.

I think at this point, I'm not making much sense. So I'm simply going to wish you all a buona notte and hopefully give you something a little more coherent tomorrow.

Ciao!

Ninth Day

Let's call this the best day so far.

Somehow, I found myself laughing and squealing and dancing in Megan's apartment. We partied and ate and watched a movie. I got to celebrate her being alive for twenty-one years.

I'd call that a fantastic day.

So yes, today was better. I got through my classes with some measure of enjoyment and even answered two questions in Italian class in the actual language and without sounding completely horrid.

And, maybe because I'm in an okay mood, I want to address something.

From the beginning, I've debated with myself if being as honest as I have been was the right way to go. I wanted to give everyone sunshine and rainbows and put on a smile. But from past experience, I've learned I can't write if I'm trying to deny my emotions, however cheesy that sounds. So here it is: my thoughts and feelings, 100% honestly.

In my LDS Literature class today, we talked about journals and blogging and whether or not you should censor yourself. Listening to everyone's opinions, I was able to form my own.

I'm quiet. I like to be unobserved while I watch everything. I don't like to be fussed over or drawn into the center of attention. I like to listen. Complaining or venting feels awkward to me. So I try not to do it. I put on a brave face and a smile, and I let the world think everything's fine.

This is where I can let it all out. This is where it's okay for me to vent and to say whatever I'm thinking and feeling. If no one reads it, oh well. It's out there and I know it exists. It's been let off my chest. If people read it and don't like it, no one's forcing them to continue coming back to read. If people read it and do like it, hopefully they're taking something from it. I hope those people know that I will forever be grateful for the time they take to read. (And it's okay to comment. I love hearing feedback. That's how we grow, right?)

Maybe what I'm trying to say is thank you. If you're reading this: thank you, thank you, thank you.

I can't pretend my problems don't exist. I can't ignore reality, no matter how much I may want to. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't want to pretend (for too long a time, anyway). My life is what it is. There are going to be trials. There are going to be rough spots. And yes, right now is one of those times.

But going through it is going to make the good times that much sweeter. It's going to help me grow and be better in the long run. It'll help me appreciate just how much I really do have.

This blog is where I can tell things as they are. No faking, no pretending, just the honest truth. I'm telling my life as it is. I want to show that I am really living.

That I'm human.

So, even though my posts may be dark and miserable, some part of me deep down knows I'll get through it.

In the end, I'll have all of this to look back on.

And that makes all the honesty completely worth it.

Eighth Day

Not much to say today either.

I think I'm learning to cope. To exist. Whatever you want to call it.

I will say that I think whoever invented the concept of homework should be forced to suffer for all of eternity. It's not enough that we have to take the class, but it cuts into the time we could otherwise be spending enjoying life's simple pleasures? (Or maybe not so simple. Whatever.)

Case and point: I could be reading my book that makes me so happy, but I'm reading Olde English poetry and making Italian flash cards.

Not fun.

I did get to go to a movie and dinner with Megan. It's her birthday and I was so excited she wanted to celebrate it with me. It was a break from lame reality.

And I love her so much, any time I spend with her is just automatically awesome.

I live for distractions. It's like a state of limbo, waiting for the next thing to take my mind off of everything.

I'm still trying.

Seventh Day

I'm not going to say much because I was in a content mood today.

It started off hard. I left for class and it was snowing, I slipped only a thousand times, and people in my classes just ticked me off.

But then I went back to my apartment and relaxed for a little bit.

I needed it.

When I went out with Megan, I found myself in a rare "who cares" mood. And I've held on to it for as long as I can. It made the night unbelievably fun.

I'm going to keep trying to float in this content state.

So that tomorrow, I'll be ready to party.

Because my best friend is turning 21!!!

Sixth Day

I had too much free time today.

Church doesn't start until 2:00. So I sat around and read to keep my mind occupied.

While church was good, all I could do was compare it to Glendale 7th Ward. It wasn't the same. I missed all the friends I'd made.

And I certainly didn't like being the new girl.

I hated all the attention directed my way and everyone trying to get to know me. It's not that I don't like people, it's just overwhelming and I like my quiet little corner where I can observe and be looked over.

So I went to Megan's after. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for taking me in and tolerating me. We watched "The Last Airbender" (By the way, not the best movie) and ate queso.

Then I walked home in the frigid cold.

I got to talk on the phone to my brother. It made me realize just how much I miss him. And how much I miss home.

Then I talked to my mom. I couldn't help but cry and pour my heart out to her. Every thought that passed through my my head today, I told her. I needed someone to know.

It's the hardest during my free time. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy.

Let week two begin.

Fifth Day

I spent the day watching movies and hanging out with the amazing Megan who is my best friend and just pure awesome. I couldn't have a better friend and sister with me during this time.

I hope she knows how grateful I am for her.

Anyways . . .

We wandered around the mall for a bit before our movie started. At one point, we sat down to share some pretzel bites. And as I stared around at all the people, I realized a big part of what's bothering me.

There's this undeniable sense of just being alone. I'm at a huge university, I live in an apartment with five other girls, I'm with Megan most of the time, but I feel so incredibly lonely.

And I just want my family. I want my little brother. I want my mom. I want my dad. I want that knowledge that they're always right there and I can see them if I want to.

But I don't have that.

I feel so lost; like this is such a waste of time. Yes, I want my education, but I have nothing else going for me. I'm not there with my family. I'm just floating.

I watch everyone interact and do their various social activities, but I don't feel like I belong. Even if I'm involved, it feels like it's not for me. Like this isn't where I'm supposed to be.

So I hold on to little moments of happiness. Sleep. Fictional stories. Laughter with my sister. Phone calls with my mom. I try to stretch them out to cover the loneliness. I try to make them last as long as possible.

Because right now, that's all I have.

Fourth Day

Bearable.

That's all I've got. I can smile and pretend I'm loving it, but I think I'm always going to resent it a little bit.

I signed my contracts for Spring and Summer as well as next Fall and Winter. As excited as it makes me that I get to room with Megan, it still made me sad to realize I'm actually not going home for the summer.

Oh, and icing on the cake, it was 7 (SEVEN!!!) degrees when I left my apartment to walk to campus this morning. Not fun.

I'm having girls' night with Megan. That makes everything a little better. Cooking and watching "Twilight" and staying cooped in her apartment, I can almost pretend I'm in California.

But I'm still in Utard.

I'm still trying to "fake it."

I'm trying.

Third Day

Today was a little better.

I think because I had a schedule that I repeated. And watched a lot of stuff to keep my mind off things. But more importantly, I think it was because I was surprised by some friends.

I got to talk to Jess. I hadn't talked to her in forever. She made me laugh and distracted me. And reminded me that she is always there for me.

And because Megan is just awesome. She's seen me at my worst and still sticks by me. She listens and lets me cry. She lets me bum around her apartment and wants to live with me for the rest of our college career. (Which we are going to sign for tomorrow! Yay!!) And she's always there for me.

I think that's what I need most. Through everything, I can't help but feel like I'm completely alone. Even though my mom tells me she's always there. Friends tell me they're always there. But for some reason, I always feel like an imposition or something.

Still, I have this desire to know someone cares. That someone is there.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I still cried. It's still too cold. And it still just sucks. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm hoping it'll get better. As my roommate so aptly put it: "Fake it til you make it."

I think the "make it" part is still a long ways off.

Second Day

I'm trying. I really am.

It feels okay during the day when I'm distracted by classes. But then I'm done and I start feeling stressed. Like my classes are impossible. Like this is all impossible.

But really, what kills me most, is that I have no choice. There's nowhere I can transfer to. I'm stuck here. I honestly have no idea what to do.

I try to tell myself it will be okay. I try to tell myself I like it here. But it doesn't change anything.

I just want my mom. I want to be home. I want California. I want my family. I want to be happy.

But I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I want my education. But this is so hard. I'm utterly lost. The only way to escape is sleep.

I hate it. It's only been two days and I feel like dying.

First Day

Physical status: Tired. Skin broken out. Dry lips. (Frozen carmex doesn't help.)

Mental status: Stressed out of my mind. Who decided college was a good idea?

Emotional status: Off the charts.

I can't do this. I'm convinced. The snowing and the parking nightmare. I thought college was supposed to be fun. All I can think about is the future and figuring stuff out.

I hate snow. I hate BYU. Yeah, I said it. I don't care. My efforts to be happy and press on took some heavy blows today.

I hope it gets better. But I'm not counting on it.