Day Twelve: Branching Out

I'm doing something I think could be positive. I want to write more about my thoughts and other random stuff instead of just what happens during my day.

This means I'm moving on, right? It means I'm coping?

I hope so.

I'm sure most of the posts will still be about my struggles and victories and everyday trials, but hopefully it won't be so mundane.

Today threw me for a loop. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions. I finally got to grocery shop. That brought on a feeling of accomplishment. I spent the day with Megan. (Shocker, I know.) That made me extremely happy. Seriously, she's like the sister I always wanted. Then we went to Red Robin (again) and the cute boy was there again. I totally ogled him the entire meal. When I realized exactly how I was acting, I can't even begin to describe how embarrassed I was. Which then brought on some things that have been bothering me lately.

I won't even get into those because you'll end up reading an entire pointless novel.

I think what caused the biggest plummet today was a comment made to me. Now, by mentioning this, I'm not trying to call the person out or be in any way rude to anyone who may agree. Just a little disclaimer.

I made a comment today about missing my ward in California. Just a statement of fact. This response I got told me all I did was complain since I've gotten back to BYU and that it can't be all that bad.

I was torn between crying and screaming.

From the beginning, I've made it clear this is not something I want to be doing. However, for some reason I can't see, I'm here and I've resolved to put my faith in the Lord that here is where I'm supposed to be.

That doesn't make it any easier.

I've never meant to sound like I'm complaining. I just want to tell it how it is. No one ever said it was going to be easy. I know plenty of people love it here and have the best time of their lives. Fact of the matter is: I don't. This is a hard time for me. So yes, it can be that bad.

I'm not complaining. I got past the complaints a while ago. I'm simply commenting on my experiences and feelings. They are what they are. Writing has always been a release for me. And it's going to stay that way. It's how I can share what I'm going through. I've never doubted my honesty before.

Now, suddenly I am.