I feel like one of the phrases I hear directed at me most is, "It's like you only exist when they need something."
I hate that phrase. I hate that people see me that way. And every time I try to point it out or make a stink about it, I find myself in a worse situation. I get caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I keep being the convenience friend or do I make myself a thorn in someone's side?
No matter what, I will always come in second. Or third. Or fourth. And so on.
Is it so wrong to want to be someone's first? To want someone to care about me before everyone else? Because that's what I find myself wishing for. I want someone to call my own, someone who will let me put them first and who will put me first in return. Someone who wants to jump to my defense or be protective and possessive of me because they love me. It seems like a selfish desire and so I feel bad wanting it. But still . . .
I want to be first to someone.
