Day 12 - A Picture of Your Room & Don't Cheat By Cleaning It

Well, here it is. Exciting, huh?

Day 11 - A Picture of Something You Dislike

This is easy.

And I stay as far away as I can.

Day 10 - A Story About a Past Relationship

For those of you who don't know, this is Doug.

I met him my freshman year of college. I knew who he was in the beginning since he was in my ward and he was always the life of the party. Loud and fun. (And I mean it as a good thing!)

At first, I thought he was one of those popular types that sticks with his own kind. Imagine my surprise when halfway through the year, I found him hanging out with my group of friends. He quickly became one of my absolute best friends and someone I knew I could count on when I needed him.

Well, one thing led to another and we ended up dating. As much as I care for Doug, dating didn't work for the two of us. In the few weeks we did date, I watched an amazing friendship crumble before my eyes. Quite honestly, it was heartbreaking. When the relationship ended, we were both left with fragments of a friendship that we couldn't make fit together.

The year ended and Doug left for his mission shortly after that. It wasn't until several months later that I decided to write him with the hope that he was doing well. And I was surprised when he wrote back. We still trade letters back and forth and I think we may be rebuilding our friendship.

Only time will tell.

Day 09 - Something You're Proud Of

NOTE: I owe you guys three posts due to a lack of internet. The next two will follow shortly hereafter.

I'm proud of my writing. I'm proud that I can write; that I can create stories. Even if I don't let people read them, I still get entertainment from them. I have friends in my characters, as crazy as that sounds.

I'm also proud that I can use writing as a way to cope and sometimes as a way to escape. The thing is, writing is a way I can release the negative. Once I've written it all down and my feelings are off my chest, I can move on. It's all gone. I can focus on being happy and enjoying myself.

I know I've said this before, but I've promised myself to be completely honest on the pages of my blog. So yes, there will be bad and there will be good. Possibly more bad than good. It's my way of dealing with everything. I will continue to find strength and pride in my writing.

Day 08 - Short Term Goals for This Month

Well, since January is almost over, I guess I'll talk about short term goals for February.

Is that okay with everyone?

Good. Moving on.

I have to say my only goal is to survive. I still don't feel like I have much going for me here. So all I want to do is get through the day.

It's lonely. I have friends, but I feel so removed from their lives. I'm sure it's just me, but I don't know how to fix it. So I'm doing the best I can.

Some nights, I fall asleep without crying. It's an improvement over crying myself to sleep every single night. I'd call that progress, I think.

So, if I can really survive the day-to-day, I'll say my short-term goal is accomplished. Maybe I'll even find myself doing more than simply surviving.

Maybe I'll surprise myself.

Day 07 - A Picture of Someone/Something That Has the Biggest Impact on You

I could name several things and several people that have a big impact on me, but when it really boils down to it, the answer is simple:

My Family

I love them more than anything. And they are never far from my thoughts.

(I couldn't find a picture with everyone.)

I love them all more than words will ever be able to express.

Day 06 - A Hobby That You Have

This is obvious. If you don't know . . . quite honestly, I'm really worried.

Reading. If I could just read all day, every day, I would be the happiest person on the planet. Anyone in my family will tell you I read ridiculously fast and I'm always dying to get my hands on another book.

You can never have too many books.

I read anything and everything. There's something wonderful about being able to disappear into an entirely different place (realistic or not) and meet new characters and get wrapped up in their problems.

Books are my escape. My entertainment. My comfort.

My happiness.

And if I can't read . . .

I write.

Day 05 - A Picture of Somewhere You've Been Today

I spent the majority of my day here.

It was Sunday after all. Provo is a freaking ghost town on Sundays.

Day 04 - List 15 Songs That Represent Your Life's Soundtrack

Note: clicking on the name will let you listen to the song.

1) Dream - Priscilla Ahn
This song is so beautiful in its simplicity. I can safely say it captures what I feel and what I hope for.

2) The Best Day - Taylor Swift
My mom. Simple as that. It's all about my mom and her family. It captures a little bit of the love I have for her. When I listen to it, there's always a new memory of how she's helped me or when she's been there for me to go with it.

3) Daughters - John Mayer
The first time I heard this song was on my dad's ipod. For some reason, every time I hear it, I'm taken back to that moment and how much I loved that he had it playing. I'm not sure why. Plus, I love the lyrics.

4) Home - Michael Buble
I think this one speaks for itself. I always want to go home and be around the people I love.

5) Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
Not the happiest of songs. But life's not always happy. And I feel like this one is very true for me. Maybe not quite as much the older I get, but you get the idea.

6) Someone to Watch Over Me - Ella Fitzgerald
Perfect. That's all I can say. Sums up a hopeless romantic's prayers quite well.

7) Forget and Not Slow Down - Relient K
How I would like to live my life. Just like the song says.

8) Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
(Not very good quality. I couldn't find one better than this.) My mom always tells me that when I was younger, I told her I would be her little girl forever. Sometimes, I wish I could have kept that promise.

9) Stop This Train - John Mayer
At my current point in life, I'm constantly scared and worried about the future. Sometimes, I just want to freeze life so I'll always have my parents and not have to deal with how fast my life is moving forward. So, yeah, I think this applies right now, even if I know I can't stop it.

10) Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble
Do I need to explain this one?

11) 18th Floor Balcony - Blue October
There's something so hauntingly beautiful about this song. Simply put, I love it more than you should probably love a song. But it's so, so beautiful. So beautiful . . .

12) Reasons to Love You - Meiko
This song is cute and full of hopeful longing. I love it.

13) Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
Do you ever see qualities in others that you wish you were stronger in yourself? I do. I wish I were more blunt and straightforward out loud because I certainly am in my mind. Anyways, that's this song.

14) Hello - Glee Cast
I think there's a hopeless romantic theme going on here.

15) War of My Life - John Mayer
Apparently I really like John Mayer. But this is the attitude I'm trying to take with my life. Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

Day 03 - A Habit You Wish You Didn't Have

<------ This.

I bite my nails and have since I can remember. It's annoying and gross. And I usually end up biting them so low that they hurt. People say, "So just stop." The problem is, I do it totally unconsciously. I zone out and I start biting. I get bored and I start biting. I get nervous and - you guessed it - I bite. Once I realize it, I make myself stop for the time being, which sometimes takes a lot longer than it should. Every time I try to quit, I seem to pick it back up again, albeit unconsciously.

I'm getting better at it though. I actually have nails right now.

Well, besides my left thumbnail and my left ring finger.

It's a work in progress.

Day 02 - A Picture of Something You Cannot Live Without

My baby blanket. I think I'll go snuggle and cry with it right now.

Buona notte.

Day 01- A Recent Picture of You and 15 Interesting Facts About Yourself

So, instead of boring everyone with my day-to-day doings (Trust me, it's the same every single day), I'm going to tackle this 30 day challenge. I know I've tried and failed before, but I'm going to make it through this one. And I'm sure what I'm feeling at the time will show through in my posts. It's not like I can really hide that.

So, moving on . . .

This is one of the most recent pictures of me. In true fashion, I'm not paying attention to the rules and guidelines being explained. I'm just . . . doing my own thing.

Okay. Fifteen interesting facts.

1) I'm picky about my food. It can't touch and I have to eat it portion by portion.

2) Music is super important to me. My iPod is always nearby and usually playing in my ear. I panic more when I leave my iPod than if I leave my phone at home.

3) Animal love: elephants and owls.

4) I get a kick out of shoving myself into small spaces like a dryer, a cabinet, etc.

5) I love to just wander around the mall. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I can get lost in the crowds. Sadly, the Utah malls are not as fun as the California malls.

6) I write at least a little bit every day. I feel off kilter if I don't.

7) I love to crochet. It can be relaxing and challenging and fun. I'm thinking about opening an etsy shop. (Thoughts?)

8) I absolutely love Mythbusters. Love.

9) I love movies. I love going to the theater and watching them on DVD. Possibly one of my most favorite things to do.

10) If no one's home, I turn my music up really loud and sing with it. There may be a little dancing involved.

11) I can't sleep without my baby blanket.

12) I want to be an editor in a publishing house.

13) Books are precious to me.

14) I would rather it be rainy than sunny. (Most days.)

15) I miss my family more than words could ever describe.

I Miss It

More than you can imagine.

Doin' Fine

This is me. In my head. So people can't look at me like I'm crazy.

Time

It was one of those days again.

I cried. I sobbed. I fought through it as best I could.

It's one step forward and five steps back.

And still, the worst part is the loneliness. My mom can listen all she wants, but she's not here. There's no one here I can run and cry to without worrying that I'm annoying them.

On the phone tonight, my mom said, "I can't believe it's already been two weeks."

My response: "It's been the longest two weeks of my life."

It's the truth. Time seems to slow when you're struggling and doing all you can to look forward. When you're lonely, it slows to a crawl. That's the hardest part. I feel like I've been battling for years and it's only been a few weeks.

Quite honestly, it's torture.

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

Day Twelve: Branching Out

I'm doing something I think could be positive. I want to write more about my thoughts and other random stuff instead of just what happens during my day.

This means I'm moving on, right? It means I'm coping?

I hope so.

I'm sure most of the posts will still be about my struggles and victories and everyday trials, but hopefully it won't be so mundane.

Today threw me for a loop. I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions. I finally got to grocery shop. That brought on a feeling of accomplishment. I spent the day with Megan. (Shocker, I know.) That made me extremely happy. Seriously, she's like the sister I always wanted. Then we went to Red Robin (again) and the cute boy was there again. I totally ogled him the entire meal. When I realized exactly how I was acting, I can't even begin to describe how embarrassed I was. Which then brought on some things that have been bothering me lately.

I won't even get into those because you'll end up reading an entire pointless novel.

I think what caused the biggest plummet today was a comment made to me. Now, by mentioning this, I'm not trying to call the person out or be in any way rude to anyone who may agree. Just a little disclaimer.

I made a comment today about missing my ward in California. Just a statement of fact. This response I got told me all I did was complain since I've gotten back to BYU and that it can't be all that bad.

I was torn between crying and screaming.

From the beginning, I've made it clear this is not something I want to be doing. However, for some reason I can't see, I'm here and I've resolved to put my faith in the Lord that here is where I'm supposed to be.

That doesn't make it any easier.

I've never meant to sound like I'm complaining. I just want to tell it how it is. No one ever said it was going to be easy. I know plenty of people love it here and have the best time of their lives. Fact of the matter is: I don't. This is a hard time for me. So yes, it can be that bad.

I'm not complaining. I got past the complaints a while ago. I'm simply commenting on my experiences and feelings. They are what they are. Writing has always been a release for me. And it's going to stay that way. It's how I can share what I'm going through. I've never doubted my honesty before.

Now, suddenly I am.

Day Eleven

A day of firsts.

My first Italian quiz. (Which could have gone worse.)

My first time watching "Knight and Day."

The first time I had a warm shower at my apartment.

The first time I got to sit and read, uninterrupted, in the library.

The first time not a single piece of junk food looked good to me.

The first time I locked my keys in the car.

The first time I actually truly enjoyed myself here.

The weekend is just beginning. If I'm lucky, I'll enjoy myself throughout it. It's going to be a weekend where Megan and I throw caution to the wind and do whatever we want.

For the first time, I'm okay here.

Day Ten

I don't have much tonight. At this point, I'm fed up and tired. I've been doing Italian homework all day.

Literally.

I've just now finished and I'm about ready to tear all my hair out.

Non mi piace!

Outside the horrid homework cloud, today was back and forth. Condoleeza Rice came and spoke in a forum. She gave an amazing speech. I wish I was awake enough to share it.

Perhaps tomorrow.

There were a few tears and one breakdown where I was seconds away from calling my mom and saying I was done. I was sitting alone in my room and I had to focus on my music until I calmed down.

I obviously got through it.

I think at this point, I'm not making much sense. So I'm simply going to wish you all a buona notte and hopefully give you something a little more coherent tomorrow.

Ciao!

Ninth Day

Let's call this the best day so far.

Somehow, I found myself laughing and squealing and dancing in Megan's apartment. We partied and ate and watched a movie. I got to celebrate her being alive for twenty-one years.

I'd call that a fantastic day.

So yes, today was better. I got through my classes with some measure of enjoyment and even answered two questions in Italian class in the actual language and without sounding completely horrid.

And, maybe because I'm in an okay mood, I want to address something.

From the beginning, I've debated with myself if being as honest as I have been was the right way to go. I wanted to give everyone sunshine and rainbows and put on a smile. But from past experience, I've learned I can't write if I'm trying to deny my emotions, however cheesy that sounds. So here it is: my thoughts and feelings, 100% honestly.

In my LDS Literature class today, we talked about journals and blogging and whether or not you should censor yourself. Listening to everyone's opinions, I was able to form my own.

I'm quiet. I like to be unobserved while I watch everything. I don't like to be fussed over or drawn into the center of attention. I like to listen. Complaining or venting feels awkward to me. So I try not to do it. I put on a brave face and a smile, and I let the world think everything's fine.

This is where I can let it all out. This is where it's okay for me to vent and to say whatever I'm thinking and feeling. If no one reads it, oh well. It's out there and I know it exists. It's been let off my chest. If people read it and don't like it, no one's forcing them to continue coming back to read. If people read it and do like it, hopefully they're taking something from it. I hope those people know that I will forever be grateful for the time they take to read. (And it's okay to comment. I love hearing feedback. That's how we grow, right?)

Maybe what I'm trying to say is thank you. If you're reading this: thank you, thank you, thank you.

I can't pretend my problems don't exist. I can't ignore reality, no matter how much I may want to. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't want to pretend (for too long a time, anyway). My life is what it is. There are going to be trials. There are going to be rough spots. And yes, right now is one of those times.

But going through it is going to make the good times that much sweeter. It's going to help me grow and be better in the long run. It'll help me appreciate just how much I really do have.

This blog is where I can tell things as they are. No faking, no pretending, just the honest truth. I'm telling my life as it is. I want to show that I am really living.

That I'm human.

So, even though my posts may be dark and miserable, some part of me deep down knows I'll get through it.

In the end, I'll have all of this to look back on.

And that makes all the honesty completely worth it.

Eighth Day

Not much to say today either.

I think I'm learning to cope. To exist. Whatever you want to call it.

I will say that I think whoever invented the concept of homework should be forced to suffer for all of eternity. It's not enough that we have to take the class, but it cuts into the time we could otherwise be spending enjoying life's simple pleasures? (Or maybe not so simple. Whatever.)

Case and point: I could be reading my book that makes me so happy, but I'm reading Olde English poetry and making Italian flash cards.

Not fun.

I did get to go to a movie and dinner with Megan. It's her birthday and I was so excited she wanted to celebrate it with me. It was a break from lame reality.

And I love her so much, any time I spend with her is just automatically awesome.

I live for distractions. It's like a state of limbo, waiting for the next thing to take my mind off of everything.

I'm still trying.

Seventh Day

I'm not going to say much because I was in a content mood today.

It started off hard. I left for class and it was snowing, I slipped only a thousand times, and people in my classes just ticked me off.

But then I went back to my apartment and relaxed for a little bit.

I needed it.

When I went out with Megan, I found myself in a rare "who cares" mood. And I've held on to it for as long as I can. It made the night unbelievably fun.

I'm going to keep trying to float in this content state.

So that tomorrow, I'll be ready to party.

Because my best friend is turning 21!!!

Sixth Day

I had too much free time today.

Church doesn't start until 2:00. So I sat around and read to keep my mind occupied.

While church was good, all I could do was compare it to Glendale 7th Ward. It wasn't the same. I missed all the friends I'd made.

And I certainly didn't like being the new girl.

I hated all the attention directed my way and everyone trying to get to know me. It's not that I don't like people, it's just overwhelming and I like my quiet little corner where I can observe and be looked over.

So I went to Megan's after. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for taking me in and tolerating me. We watched "The Last Airbender" (By the way, not the best movie) and ate queso.

Then I walked home in the frigid cold.

I got to talk on the phone to my brother. It made me realize just how much I miss him. And how much I miss home.

Then I talked to my mom. I couldn't help but cry and pour my heart out to her. Every thought that passed through my my head today, I told her. I needed someone to know.

It's the hardest during my free time. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy.

Let week two begin.

Fifth Day

I spent the day watching movies and hanging out with the amazing Megan who is my best friend and just pure awesome. I couldn't have a better friend and sister with me during this time.

I hope she knows how grateful I am for her.

Anyways . . .

We wandered around the mall for a bit before our movie started. At one point, we sat down to share some pretzel bites. And as I stared around at all the people, I realized a big part of what's bothering me.

There's this undeniable sense of just being alone. I'm at a huge university, I live in an apartment with five other girls, I'm with Megan most of the time, but I feel so incredibly lonely.

And I just want my family. I want my little brother. I want my mom. I want my dad. I want that knowledge that they're always right there and I can see them if I want to.

But I don't have that.

I feel so lost; like this is such a waste of time. Yes, I want my education, but I have nothing else going for me. I'm not there with my family. I'm just floating.

I watch everyone interact and do their various social activities, but I don't feel like I belong. Even if I'm involved, it feels like it's not for me. Like this isn't where I'm supposed to be.

So I hold on to little moments of happiness. Sleep. Fictional stories. Laughter with my sister. Phone calls with my mom. I try to stretch them out to cover the loneliness. I try to make them last as long as possible.

Because right now, that's all I have.

Fourth Day

Bearable.

That's all I've got. I can smile and pretend I'm loving it, but I think I'm always going to resent it a little bit.

I signed my contracts for Spring and Summer as well as next Fall and Winter. As excited as it makes me that I get to room with Megan, it still made me sad to realize I'm actually not going home for the summer.

Oh, and icing on the cake, it was 7 (SEVEN!!!) degrees when I left my apartment to walk to campus this morning. Not fun.

I'm having girls' night with Megan. That makes everything a little better. Cooking and watching "Twilight" and staying cooped in her apartment, I can almost pretend I'm in California.

But I'm still in Utard.

I'm still trying to "fake it."

I'm trying.

Third Day

Today was a little better.

I think because I had a schedule that I repeated. And watched a lot of stuff to keep my mind off things. But more importantly, I think it was because I was surprised by some friends.

I got to talk to Jess. I hadn't talked to her in forever. She made me laugh and distracted me. And reminded me that she is always there for me.

And because Megan is just awesome. She's seen me at my worst and still sticks by me. She listens and lets me cry. She lets me bum around her apartment and wants to live with me for the rest of our college career. (Which we are going to sign for tomorrow! Yay!!) And she's always there for me.

I think that's what I need most. Through everything, I can't help but feel like I'm completely alone. Even though my mom tells me she's always there. Friends tell me they're always there. But for some reason, I always feel like an imposition or something.

Still, I have this desire to know someone cares. That someone is there.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I still cried. It's still too cold. And it still just sucks. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm hoping it'll get better. As my roommate so aptly put it: "Fake it til you make it."

I think the "make it" part is still a long ways off.

Second Day

I'm trying. I really am.

It feels okay during the day when I'm distracted by classes. But then I'm done and I start feeling stressed. Like my classes are impossible. Like this is all impossible.

But really, what kills me most, is that I have no choice. There's nowhere I can transfer to. I'm stuck here. I honestly have no idea what to do.

I try to tell myself it will be okay. I try to tell myself I like it here. But it doesn't change anything.

I just want my mom. I want to be home. I want California. I want my family. I want to be happy.

But I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I want my education. But this is so hard. I'm utterly lost. The only way to escape is sleep.

I hate it. It's only been two days and I feel like dying.

First Day

Physical status: Tired. Skin broken out. Dry lips. (Frozen carmex doesn't help.)

Mental status: Stressed out of my mind. Who decided college was a good idea?

Emotional status: Off the charts.

I can't do this. I'm convinced. The snowing and the parking nightmare. I thought college was supposed to be fun. All I can think about is the future and figuring stuff out.

I hate snow. I hate BYU. Yeah, I said it. I don't care. My efforts to be happy and press on took some heavy blows today.

I hope it gets better. But I'm not counting on it.