Just Because

This made me laugh and think of home. Don't ask me why, but it did.

Since the Beginning of 2011, I have . . .

(I thought this was interesting to think about. And I'm avoiding homework as usual. Bold means I've done it.)

Gotten a new piercing.

Dyed my hair.

Ended a relationship.

Started a new relationship.

Been on a long car journey. 

Passed an exam.

Met someone who’s now an important part of my life. 

Cried on someone’s shoulder.

Had a massive fight with a boyfriend.

Received flowers. 

Had a Valentine.

Written a letter using pen and paper.

Gone to see a therapist.

Been prescribed medication by a doctor.

Read a really good book.

Gone to the zoo.

Spent too much money on unnecessary things.

Travelled by train.

Cried over a member of the opposite sex.

Spent a day out in the sun getting a tan.

Slammed a door out of frustration.

Had an anxiety attack. 

Babysat for a friend’s child.

Had a BBQ.

Gone to the fair.

Gone bowling.

Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.

Gone on a date.

Been the only sober one on a night out.

Helped someone home after they’d had too much to drink.

Stayed up all night.

Talked on the phone for over two hours.

Supported someone who’d received bad news.

Watched some kind of live sporting event.

Read an entire book in one day.

Bought a DVD the day it was released.

Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.

Cried as a result of exam stress.

Met some incredible new people. 

Fallen backwards off a chair. 

Broken my glasses.

Cried over someone in my past.

Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.

Thrown up.

Cried over a film.

Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boyfriend.

Fought with someone in public.

Been in a relationship for a year or longer.

Yay 2011! 

Probably

One of the best feelings in the world:

That's right people. I'm graduating!!

I Found a GIF That Describes My Life

When the World Stopped Turning

I've debated on writing this post for the past two weeks. I didn't know if it would come off sincere or if it would seem too cliche. But sometimes, things just demand to be written.

For the past nine years, I've done all I can to avoid the stories, the remembrances, and anything that had to do with September 11th. I took the time to observe the moments of silence and offered up a prayer for the families and survivors. Otherwise, I've done my best to stay away from it since the day it happened. But for some reason, I couldn't stay away this year. For the past two weeks, I've watched the videos and read all the stories I came across. I haven't been able to help myself.

My memories of that day are vivid. I had just started sixth grade. I remember my mom hanging onto my hand tightly, Mac clinging to her other hand. We walked up to the secretary of the elementary school, Vera, out on the sidewalk. I didn't hear exactly what was said, but the next thing I knew, we were headed back toward the car. I got the impression that Vera had said it was fine to leave, which was weird. Once we got home, the news was on with the images of the burning World Trade Center. Every so often, they would replay the second plane crashing into the south tower and the towers collapsing. I didn't understand completely, but I knew that those images terrified me. I remember sitting in Mac's room, Mom and Dad sitting across from us and trying to explain everything. I didn't want to hear it. That was, to this day, the one time I've actually wanted to be at school instead of home. I wanted desperately to be as far away from that footage as I could.

This year, as the tenth anniversary came up, I watched every bit of footage, even the ones that were marked with "Viewer Discretion." I read every account, the transcripts of communication, looked at all the devastating photos. And I still cannot fathom what makes someone think this is the right thing to do. My heart clenches and my stomach twists nauseatingly whenever I think of the people trapped as the floors collapsed. What drove those who jumped to do so? How devastating was it to the families watching at home? What kind of courage did it take the firefighters, paramedics and police officers to rush into the chaos as everyone else was running away? I can't imagine the scene at Ground Zero or the Pentagon without wanting to cry. Only 18 survivors were recovered from the rubble. I cannot fathom the horror of the scene that New Yorkers witnessed.

This day changed the world, quite literally. I can hardly remember a world where terrorist threats did not exist, where a war on terror was not being fought across seas, and where our country was not threatened.

And yet, there are stories of hope. When I think of United 93, crashing into Pennsylvania, the sorrow for the lives lost is mixed with amazement and pride. The bravery of the passengers, taking a vote to storm the cockpit and fight back reminds me that there are good people in this world. The bravery of those people leaves me in awe. Though we will never know for sure, they quite possibly prevented that plane from crashing into the Capitol and definitely prevented the loss of more lives.

As I got into bed last night, I prayed for the safety of our God-given country and for whatever comfort and peace the families and friends of those who died could have. I prayed that we as citizens would remember the unity and kindness we treated each other with right after that fateful day. I wanted to ask that I forget the horror and images stuck in my brain, but, for whatever reason, I couldn't form the thought.

Then, as I sat through the only memorial service near me in Salt Lake City, listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing, listening to members' stories, and watching even more footage, I realized why I couldn't form that thought. Forgetting means all 3,000 of those who lost their lives died for nothing. Forgetting means the terrorists win. Sitting in a dark theater, listening to "Amazing Grace," I sent out a silent prayer that I never forget that day, good and bad, because forgetting that means forgetting what it means to be an American and how incredibly blessed I am.

40 Questions

Because I'm bored and I haven't posted in a while, here you go. (At least the questions are different than most of the other questionnaires.)

1) What's your middle name? - It's Ann.
2) How big is your bed? - It's a twin. Just for me.
3) What are you listening to right now? - "I Want You Back" by Jackson 5
4) What are the last 4 digits in your cell phone number? - 7660
5) What was the last thing you ate? - A bagel and cream cheese.
6) Last person you hugged? - That would be my awesome cousin Kenny.
7) Last person you kissed? - This space left intentionally blank.
8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? - My mom. We were talking about flights for Thanksgiving!!
9) What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? - Probably their eyes.
10) Favorite type of food? - Mexican. Followed closely by Chinese.
11) Do you want children? - Yes!! But that day is definitely a ways down the road.
12) Do you drink? - Nope. Don't really have a desire to either.
13) Ever gotten so drunk you don't remember the entire night? - See the previous answer.
14) Hair color? - Brown.
15) Eye color? - Brown again.
16) Do you wear contacts/glasses? - Yep. Contacts and glasses when I don't have those in.
17) Favorite holiday? - Christmas, definitely.
18) Favorite season? - I'm not sure. I like them all for different reasons . . . I can't decide!
19) Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? - Haven't we all?
20) Last movie you watched? - "Holes" with Rachel this morning.
21) What books are you reading? - Since college has so wonderfully decided to start again, I'm now reading The Return of the King as well as The Taming of the Shrew. For my own pleasure: Until You.
22) Piercings? - Just one in each ear.
23) Favorite movie? - There's no way I can pick just one!
24) Favorite college football team? - I may not like the school, but the Cougars are my team.
25) What were you doing before filling this out? - It might have been homework . . .
26) Any pets? - Living with me is my beta Herbert. Back home I've got the Izzy-bee!!
27) Dogs or cats? - Dogs!
28) Favorite flower? - Orchids. Followed closely by Plumeria.
29) Have you ever loved someone? - Yes.
30) Who would you like to see right now? - Well that's easy. My family.
31) Have you ever fired a gun? - I'm assuming airsoft guns don't count?
32) Do you like to travel by plane? - I actually really like the airport and I like the feeling of knowing I'm getting away, but the actual flying part makes me nervous.
33) Right-handed or Left-handed? - Boringly right-handed.
34) If you could go to any place right now, where would you go? - Back to California to pick up my family and then either the UK or somewhere tropical.
35) Are you missing someone? - Several someones.
36) Do you have a tattoo? - No. Needles are my Achilles's heel.
37) Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? - No.
38) Are you hiding something from someone? - Maybe.
39) Are you 18? - Older.
40) What do you do before you go to bed? - Change into pj's and take my contacts out.

Ghost

There's a ghost of the feelings I had back in January creeping through my body. I've been thrown back to the heartbreak and struggle today.

I hate it.

I keep thinking it'll get easier. That I'll learn to cope better or something. People always tell me to focus on the positive. Even though I try so, so hard to do that, the negative has a way of sneaking back in without me realizing it until it's too late.

I'm tired and burnt out. I know my body is being physically affected by all the emotional. I don't know when I became this beat up, stressed out girl who doesn't trust herself anymore. In high school, I took the bad in and then held my head up to face it head on. There was never a thought of "I can't do this." There were certainly thoughts of "I don't want to do this," but never "can't."

Now it seems my life is full of can'ts.

I don't trust myself anymore. Being by myself means my thoughts go wild and I start panicking. It's a scary feeling.

But worst of all is the loneliness. The constant feel of having no one. The loss of family. And the fact that my heart is still in a hotel room that felt more like home than anywhere in Utah ever has.

Blank

There are times when I open a new file and stare at the blank screen for ages. The need to write is there, my imagination is itching to produce something, but I can't think of a single thing. So I stare and I stare and then I stare some more.

It's quite possibly the most frustrating thing in my life.

I think of all the books I read and, yes, even the fanfiction stories I read, and I can't help but be disappointed. How many times have I read a story that affects me and stays with me forever, even after I've finished it? How many times have I cried or cheered or ached for fictional characters? Why can't I think of something like that? Those are the stories that inspire me, that comfort me, and make my life that much more interesting. Where has my creativity gone?

I've been listening to Billy Joel's "Piano Man" a lot lately, and I think I've finally figured out why. Here are all these bar patrons who have failed dreams, who can do more, but instead they are all gathered to drink in their lack of success. When I stare at that blank document, the fear that I could end up that way is never more real. This passion, this desire to do what I love could lead to complete failure, and that's the last thing I want to see happen. To inspire even one ounce of the emotion I feel when I read something great is what I really want to do.

So I continue to stare at the white screen and pray it will be covered in text soon.

When Sydney Gets Bored

Yesterday I had the misfortune to find myself unbelievably bored. (Yes I should have been doing homework, but that's beside the point.) So I decided to crochet. And this is what came out of it.

What are they? They're slippers!

There isn't a real sole so they're just to wear around the house and keep your feet warm. And I just used some extra yarn I had. At least I'm somewhat productive when I'm bored.

Home

Tonight, I really miss home. I miss my friends there. I miss the feel of a real city. I miss the way you can see the beach on clear days. I miss the feeling of being completely surrounded by people who love me. I miss the diversity.

Most of all, I miss my family and that feeling of belonging that comes with being near them.

If I didn't have to worry about school or money or anything else, I'd be in my car and driving down I-15 right now.

I miss my parents.

I miss my little brother.

I miss the comings and goings of a family unit. I miss the crazy get-togethers. I miss talking with my mom in person about whatever is on my mind. I miss the quiet moments I get with my dad. I miss screaming to extremely loud music in the car with my brother before we go out somewhere public and he embarrasses me somehow.

They say home is where the heart is. I know exactly where mine is.

People

There comes this moment when you realize that some people are going to think whatever they want of you simply because they can't deal with the truth. They're going to hear what they want to hear, think what they want to think. And no matter how hard you try to see the good, how much you try to save the relationship, it's not going to change.

That realization hurts.

There could be hundreds of good memories in your past, but they're just that: memories. You start to wonder at what point to stop fighting because all you're doing is hurting yourself and reaching for something that doesn't exist. And then you start to worry that maybe, just maybe, they're right. Maybe you are a bad person. Maybe you do hurt people maliciously.

Because if you didn't, why then do the majority of people seem to walk out on you without a glance backward?

Struggle

I haven't written a lot lately. I think it's because I've been so determined to just go with it and accept what is. But there are some days when I can't fight back the negativity.

I've been doing well for the most part. Every now and then I catch a little "I wish I was in California" thought floating across my mind. Or I catch myself panicking about the future. I can usually push it back and move on. That is, until this morning when I woke up completely sad.

The fact that it's Friday the 13th hasn't escaped me.

I don't usually put stock in stuff like that, but today I can't help it. I keep thinking it's summer and I should be at home, at the beach, with my family. But then I remember that I can't go to school there, I don't have a job there . . . nowhere that I really belong. I don't feel like I really belong here either. What am I supposed to do with my life when I actually finish school?

What do I have going for me?

Ekphrasis

\ˈek-frə-səs\ - a literary description of or commentary on a visual work of art

Winter semester, my English professor told us about the sonnet challenge he had dedicated himself to. He created a blog and every single day, for an entire year, he writes a sonnet.

Of course, I was intrigued by this. But . . . I hate poetry. Why would I want to write sonnets?

Well, that's where ekphrasis comes in. I am challenging myself to write a short ekphrastic piece every day for the next year.

And I'm excited!

So, what does that mean? Well, I'm going to set up a separate blog where all the pieces, along with the photo or piece of art will be posted. Because that's what ekphrasis is: literature based on visual art.

Here's where my plea comes in. I'm asking you - yes, you, reading this blog - to send me pictures. Something you find on the internet, your favorite painting, whatever you want will work! Remember, I have 365 pieces to do here, people. I need art! Please!

So, give me a bit to set up the blog and get the ball rolling. But in the meantime, send those pictures to sydneywright11@gmail.com. I will love you forever!!

Guess What?

This semester needs to be over. I'm so done with it and all the crap that has come with it. I don't even care about my classes anymore. The pile of assignments I have right now is about to receive a very angry and impolite tirade about how it needs to shove off. And I'm not exaggerating.

And as for people . . . I constantly feel like I'm always having to second guess myself because I decided to question something or because I don't want to do something. You step one toe out of the expected line and you will have at least three people jumping down your throat about it. Even the people you think are your best friends or who you can trust the most are suddenly at the front of the mob.

Here's the deal: people are all different. Not everyone does the exact same thing, not everyone has the same views. That's the way we were created. All the people moaning about their own opinions not being accepted need to step back and realize they may be the exact same way.

Overall, people just need to get off their high horses and get rid of the condescension. There is absolutely no need for it.  There gets to be a point when you can't ignore it.

I'm done. And forgive the total rant post, but it needed to be said. School needs to die. People need to stop being fake and rude. And I am ready to quit.

Cadbury Egg: Memory #4

There was one day my first year at BYU that I had the worst possible day. Everything went wrong in my classes, with my homework, with my friends, with myself. The only thing I was looking forward to was getting to go swim laps with a friend at the sports building that night.

Even that went wrong.

I got kicked out because my bathing suit was exposing too much of my chest. When I asked Doug what he wanted to do, he decided to stay behind and keep swimming. I fled with extremely hurt feelings and barely able to keep myself under control. After changing and starting the cold trudge back to my dorm, I finally lost it and called my mom.

I ended up sitting under a little overhang by the back entrance and spilling everything to my mom. I sat there and sobbed quite unattractively, praying no one would pass by.

Of course, someone did. A girl walked right by me, giving me a brief glance before rounding the corner. I continued to sob into my phone, now a bit embarrassed, when she came back. She walked right up to me and held out a Cadbury Creme Egg.

"I hope you feel better," she said.

I know I must have looked stunned as I took it from her and thanked her. She smiled and then continued on her way. I couldn't help the small smile on my own face as I looked down at her gift.

Now, every time I see a Cadbury Egg, I smile.

Airport: Memory #3

At the end of my freshman year at BYU, I flew home for the summer. Although sad to be leaving some amazing friends, I was elated.

I got to go home.

I sat at the airport for hours, endured the terrifying plane ride, and then set off into the craziness that is Los Angeles airport, all the while texting my mom with my progress.

As I stood in baggage claim, waiting for my two enormous bags, I could feel the anticipation literally buzzing through my body. I wanted to run to the curb and to my family with a triumphant "Screw my luggage!"

But I didn't have to.

Because I heard my name and when I turned, my mom and my brother were both running through the crowds toward me.

Poisonous: Memory #2

"He has a lot of moles on his back. Did you notice that or is it just me?"

"Well, I have a lot of moles on my back. I'm like a speckled frog."

"Did you know those are poisonous?"

"Moles?"

"No. Speckled frogs."

Blackbird: Memory #1

The song "Blackbird" always makes me think of my dad.

The first time I ever heard the song was as his fingers strummed his guitar and he sang it quietly, almost to himself.

And no matter who is singing it or who covered it, those opening chords always take me back to a ward Christmas party where I was going to sing "Silent Night" as my dad accompanied me. We sat in one of those little rooms off the pulpit and as I'm sure I panicked in some form of stage fright, he sat there plucking gently at the strings and singing softly until I was ready to face the crowd.

Give Up

I've been absent lately and I apologize for that. I've been struggling with the next day topic and I got so frustrated I had to just step away for a bit. I'm still working on it, but don't expect it any time soon.

Things have been rough lately. I'm not sure why and I don't think I completely understand it, but I didn't really want to write about it. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to deal with people telling me to go to therapy or get myself on medication. I'm sure they mean well, but I just didn't want to hear it. (I still don't, but I'm sure I'll get some.)

I'm so done with school, especially this semester. It's a struggle to pay attention in my classes, let alone drag myself to them. I love the learning and opportunity to further myself. But the tests. And the homework. I'm fed up with the stressing over whether I'm performing to someone else's standards and whether I'm learning the "correct" things. I know there are essentials that I need to know, but as for the other things like interpretations and meanings . . . can't I decide those for my own? Can't I figure out what is going to be most beneficial to me and to my life?

And people. My patience has been so stretched lately. I've got a tenuous grasp on it. But honestly, I'm so sick of feeling judged or frowned upon by every person around me. I know, I know, I'll get that everywhere in some degree for the rest of my life. For some reason, I've felt it in unnecessary abundance around me lately. If you don't agree with me, so sorry, but I am allowed to have my own opinions. I am allowed to be who I want to be and have my own beliefs. I'm not killing people or going against my morals or harming anyone else. If you don't like it, no one said you had to stick around, especially if you're just going to tell me how wrong I am or how disapproving you feel of me. Guess what? We were all raised differently. I respect your views and don't force mine on you. All I'm asking is a little of the same consideration. I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to grasp.

And still, there's always that horrid feeling of loneliness. Like I'm alienated. I have no idea how to handle it or the rest of my life for that matter.

I'm ashamed to say I've entertained thoughts of giving up and running. Because right now, I just can't find the strength to fight back and blaze my own path. I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Forget it. I'm done."

Day 21 - Share a Picture From Your Day

Megan and I drove to find one of the two Chipotles in Utah. We did find it and I got to eat a little piece of home. Then we drove around and did whatever we felt like doing.

There's something about driving that I love.

Day 20 - If You Had 3 Wishes, What Would They Be?

And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. (If you know what that's from, bonus points for you!)

1) A photographic memory.

2) The biggest library a person could own.

3) To always be near my family.

Day 19 - Nicknames You Have and How or Why You Have Them

Let's start off with the basics. Syd. Shorty. Small fry. Freckles. Those are all fairly obvious.

My mom calls me Missy Moo. She has for as long as I can remember. I don't know where she got it, but I love it. (If you are not my mom and you call me this, I will not answer.)

My brother calls me Little Oyster. That one got thrown around when I worked with Miranda and somehow it stuck. My mom uses it too. My Aunt Tracey calls me Sweetie and my Gg calls me Pumpkin.

One friend calls me The Sydney Chainsaw Massacre after learning my initials spell out S.A.W.

Otherwise, most friends call me Nemo. Let's just say I got really excited to ride the Nemo ride at Disney World on my junior year music trip. I was yelling, "Nemo! Nemo!" in line and reciting quotes from the movie. Next thing I knew, all of my friends were calling me Nemo.

They're all fun names and I usually answer to any of them. Still, I think the family nicknames are the ones I cherish most.

Day 18 - Plans/Goals/Dreams You Have

I want to finish school.

I want to move on to having a life as a contributing member of society. I want to be surrounded by my family and loved ones. I want to have my own place and a job to support myself.

I want to live my own love story.

I want to be an editor. I want to read other people's creations and help them be amazing. I want to help them share their talents with the world.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to read every book I can get my hands on. I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can. I want to experience all the highs and all the lows of living a human life. I want to fail and I want to succeed. I want to be inspired and see the beauty in everything around me.

I want to write a book.

I want to learn to be better with people. How to be a better listener, to bring joy to those around me. I want to comfort people and maybe inspire them to see happiness in the world around them.

I want to be human.

Day 17 - Someone You Would Want to Switch Lives With For a Day and Why

I know, I know, I've been MIA. Blame shady internet and midterms. I'm catching up as much as I can.

I'm not sure what kind of reaction I'm going to get in response to this, but honestly, I would want to switch lives with a guy.

Why? Simple curiosity.

I always wonder what goes through a guy's mind when they see a girl or get stuck in an uncomfortable situation, etc. How differently they process things than a woman does.

And I would love to not have to worry about a lot of hair and girly clothes for a day. (Even though I have that attitude some days as a girl . . .)

I just think it would be fascinating to see everything from the other side. When I write from a male point of view in my stories, I never know if I'm doing it right. It would be awesome to say I do know how a guy thinks/feels/reacts.

Plus, I couldn't resist the pretty picture I got to put with this topic! :)

We Interrupt Your Broadcasting . . .

Okay, blogging really. But I wanted to draw your guys' attention to this awesome giveaway. (And yes, to score more points for myself.)

This awesome book blog I follow is giving away a KINDLE!!! Yes, you read that right. And I really want one so . . . hey, it's worth a shot right?

Anyways, if you want, check it out at A Life Bound By Books.

*fingers crossed*

Day 16 - Something You Could Live Without

I could do without insecurity.

I could do without all the questioning. All the thoughts that swirl around and threaten to knock your self-confidence down a few notches.

I could live without looking at myself and picking over every flaw and thing I don't like. I usually do pretty well with myself, but insecurity lurks, waiting for its opportune moment to strike and achieve its goal of making me feel bad about myself.

Example: I swear every dress they make is for tall, skinny, non-curvy figures. If you have curves and you're short, well, you're basically screwed. It's even worse when every other girl in the dressing room is exactly what you aren't: tall, stick-figured, and fitting into the clothes perfectly. It made me pause and look at myself and pick over every single thing I hated about my body.

I could live without wondering if my personality is unattractive. I wish I could be secure in it and say, "This is me. If  you like me, woohoo!! If you don't, sorry. No skin off my back." There are days when I actually achieve that attitude, but it's not every day.

Yes, I could definitely live without insecurity.

Day 15 - Put Your iPod on Shuffle & Share the First 10 Songs

1) Stood Up - A Fine Frenzy

2)Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade

3)Crossroads - John Mayer

4)Hey Stephen - Taylor Swift

5) Letter to Me - Brad Paisley

6) I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

7) Won't Stop - OneRepublic

8) Darcy's Letter - "Pride and Prejudice" Soundtrack

9) Long Time Coming - Oliver James from "What A Girl Wants" Soundtrack

10) Life On Earth - Band Of Horses from "Eclipse" Soundtrack

That's impressive that there's no Glee. I think half my iPod is Glee.

Day 14 - A Picture of Something You Ate and 10 Confessions

Megan and I cooked Chicken Parmigiana and garlic mashed potatoes today.

And it was SO yummy!

It even looked pretty!

It also reminded me how much I enjoy cooking and working with my hands. I have to do that more often.

As for my confessions . . .

1) I can't stand not taking a shower every day. Maybe it's because it's something that I do every day and it's routine, but I feel so off and icky when I don't.

2) Laugh all you want, but I can't sleep without my blanket. I crashed at Megan's last night without it and woke up way too many times looking for it.

3) I do everything I can to avoid confrontation.

4) I detest school. Loathe it. I love to learn, but the being graded and tests and all that . . . it just sucks.

5) I desperately wish I knew how to play piano. And acoustic guitar.

6) I don't think anyone realizes exactly how much of my day is spent reading. I think it would be safe to say over half of it is. (Thank goodness for ebooks!)

7) I love being creative with fashion, but I usually chicken out on actually wearing what I've come up with.

8) I am guilty of people watching and making up stories for them in my head. (Much more exciting, non-mundane stories.)

9) As much as I complain about being short and the disadvantages it has, I wouldn't change it.

10) I used to want to be a stunt driver.

Day 13 - Write a Letter Telling Someone Something You Could Never Tell Them

Dear You,

You were good, I give you that. You smiled and I fell. I trusted every false word. I gave my friendship and my loyalty to you. I trusted you.

I didn't look hard enough. I didn't trust my instincts. So, I let you turn on me. I let you crush every ounce of love and care I gave you. And I let it hurt me. I let it affect my ability to trust and see the good in people.

In short, I let it change who I was.

But now, I'm telling you this: no more. I won't let you have any more power. I will be friendly, but keep you at a distance. The bruises and cuts will heal and I will learn to love them as much as any part of me. Because of you, I will see the true value of meaningful friendships and relationships. I will appreciate them all the more.

In fact, thank you for that. Thank you for showing me what a real friend is and what the power of love and sincerity can bring to my life. Thank you for teaching me to keep those I can trust and count on close; for teaching me to love them more.

I sincerely wish you the best in your life. I hope you can find your own meaning in it.

~ Me

Day 12 - A Picture of Your Room & Don't Cheat By Cleaning It

Well, here it is. Exciting, huh?

Day 11 - A Picture of Something You Dislike

This is easy.

And I stay as far away as I can.

Day 10 - A Story About a Past Relationship

For those of you who don't know, this is Doug.

I met him my freshman year of college. I knew who he was in the beginning since he was in my ward and he was always the life of the party. Loud and fun. (And I mean it as a good thing!)

At first, I thought he was one of those popular types that sticks with his own kind. Imagine my surprise when halfway through the year, I found him hanging out with my group of friends. He quickly became one of my absolute best friends and someone I knew I could count on when I needed him.

Well, one thing led to another and we ended up dating. As much as I care for Doug, dating didn't work for the two of us. In the few weeks we did date, I watched an amazing friendship crumble before my eyes. Quite honestly, it was heartbreaking. When the relationship ended, we were both left with fragments of a friendship that we couldn't make fit together.

The year ended and Doug left for his mission shortly after that. It wasn't until several months later that I decided to write him with the hope that he was doing well. And I was surprised when he wrote back. We still trade letters back and forth and I think we may be rebuilding our friendship.

Only time will tell.

Day 09 - Something You're Proud Of

NOTE: I owe you guys three posts due to a lack of internet. The next two will follow shortly hereafter.

I'm proud of my writing. I'm proud that I can write; that I can create stories. Even if I don't let people read them, I still get entertainment from them. I have friends in my characters, as crazy as that sounds.

I'm also proud that I can use writing as a way to cope and sometimes as a way to escape. The thing is, writing is a way I can release the negative. Once I've written it all down and my feelings are off my chest, I can move on. It's all gone. I can focus on being happy and enjoying myself.

I know I've said this before, but I've promised myself to be completely honest on the pages of my blog. So yes, there will be bad and there will be good. Possibly more bad than good. It's my way of dealing with everything. I will continue to find strength and pride in my writing.

Day 08 - Short Term Goals for This Month

Well, since January is almost over, I guess I'll talk about short term goals for February.

Is that okay with everyone?

Good. Moving on.

I have to say my only goal is to survive. I still don't feel like I have much going for me here. So all I want to do is get through the day.

It's lonely. I have friends, but I feel so removed from their lives. I'm sure it's just me, but I don't know how to fix it. So I'm doing the best I can.

Some nights, I fall asleep without crying. It's an improvement over crying myself to sleep every single night. I'd call that progress, I think.

So, if I can really survive the day-to-day, I'll say my short-term goal is accomplished. Maybe I'll even find myself doing more than simply surviving.

Maybe I'll surprise myself.

Day 07 - A Picture of Someone/Something That Has the Biggest Impact on You

I could name several things and several people that have a big impact on me, but when it really boils down to it, the answer is simple:

My Family

I love them more than anything. And they are never far from my thoughts.

(I couldn't find a picture with everyone.)

I love them all more than words will ever be able to express.