Ghost

There's a ghost of the feelings I had back in January creeping through my body. I've been thrown back to the heartbreak and struggle today.

I hate it.

I keep thinking it'll get easier. That I'll learn to cope better or something. People always tell me to focus on the positive. Even though I try so, so hard to do that, the negative has a way of sneaking back in without me realizing it until it's too late.

I'm tired and burnt out. I know my body is being physically affected by all the emotional. I don't know when I became this beat up, stressed out girl who doesn't trust herself anymore. In high school, I took the bad in and then held my head up to face it head on. There was never a thought of "I can't do this." There were certainly thoughts of "I don't want to do this," but never "can't."

Now it seems my life is full of can'ts.

I don't trust myself anymore. Being by myself means my thoughts go wild and I start panicking. It's a scary feeling.

But worst of all is the loneliness. The constant feel of having no one. The loss of family. And the fact that my heart is still in a hotel room that felt more like home than anywhere in Utah ever has.