Give Up

I've been absent lately and I apologize for that. I've been struggling with the next day topic and I got so frustrated I had to just step away for a bit. I'm still working on it, but don't expect it any time soon.

Things have been rough lately. I'm not sure why and I don't think I completely understand it, but I didn't really want to write about it. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to deal with people telling me to go to therapy or get myself on medication. I'm sure they mean well, but I just didn't want to hear it. (I still don't, but I'm sure I'll get some.)

I'm so done with school, especially this semester. It's a struggle to pay attention in my classes, let alone drag myself to them. I love the learning and opportunity to further myself. But the tests. And the homework. I'm fed up with the stressing over whether I'm performing to someone else's standards and whether I'm learning the "correct" things. I know there are essentials that I need to know, but as for the other things like interpretations and meanings . . . can't I decide those for my own? Can't I figure out what is going to be most beneficial to me and to my life?

And people. My patience has been so stretched lately. I've got a tenuous grasp on it. But honestly, I'm so sick of feeling judged or frowned upon by every person around me. I know, I know, I'll get that everywhere in some degree for the rest of my life. For some reason, I've felt it in unnecessary abundance around me lately. If you don't agree with me, so sorry, but I am allowed to have my own opinions. I am allowed to be who I want to be and have my own beliefs. I'm not killing people or going against my morals or harming anyone else. If you don't like it, no one said you had to stick around, especially if you're just going to tell me how wrong I am or how disapproving you feel of me. Guess what? We were all raised differently. I respect your views and don't force mine on you. All I'm asking is a little of the same consideration. I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to grasp.

And still, there's always that horrid feeling of loneliness. Like I'm alienated. I have no idea how to handle it or the rest of my life for that matter.

I'm ashamed to say I've entertained thoughts of giving up and running. Because right now, I just can't find the strength to fight back and blaze my own path. I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Forget it. I'm done."

Day 21 - Share a Picture From Your Day

Megan and I drove to find one of the two Chipotles in Utah. We did find it and I got to eat a little piece of home. Then we drove around and did whatever we felt like doing.

There's something about driving that I love.

Day 20 - If You Had 3 Wishes, What Would They Be?

And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. (If you know what that's from, bonus points for you!)

1) A photographic memory.

2) The biggest library a person could own.

3) To always be near my family.

Day 19 - Nicknames You Have and How or Why You Have Them

Let's start off with the basics. Syd. Shorty. Small fry. Freckles. Those are all fairly obvious.

My mom calls me Missy Moo. She has for as long as I can remember. I don't know where she got it, but I love it. (If you are not my mom and you call me this, I will not answer.)

My brother calls me Little Oyster. That one got thrown around when I worked with Miranda and somehow it stuck. My mom uses it too. My Aunt Tracey calls me Sweetie and my Gg calls me Pumpkin.

One friend calls me The Sydney Chainsaw Massacre after learning my initials spell out S.A.W.

Otherwise, most friends call me Nemo. Let's just say I got really excited to ride the Nemo ride at Disney World on my junior year music trip. I was yelling, "Nemo! Nemo!" in line and reciting quotes from the movie. Next thing I knew, all of my friends were calling me Nemo.

They're all fun names and I usually answer to any of them. Still, I think the family nicknames are the ones I cherish most.

Day 18 - Plans/Goals/Dreams You Have

I want to finish school.

I want to move on to having a life as a contributing member of society. I want to be surrounded by my family and loved ones. I want to have my own place and a job to support myself.

I want to live my own love story.

I want to be an editor. I want to read other people's creations and help them be amazing. I want to help them share their talents with the world.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to read every book I can get my hands on. I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can. I want to experience all the highs and all the lows of living a human life. I want to fail and I want to succeed. I want to be inspired and see the beauty in everything around me.

I want to write a book.

I want to learn to be better with people. How to be a better listener, to bring joy to those around me. I want to comfort people and maybe inspire them to see happiness in the world around them.

I want to be human.

Day 17 - Someone You Would Want to Switch Lives With For a Day and Why

I know, I know, I've been MIA. Blame shady internet and midterms. I'm catching up as much as I can.

I'm not sure what kind of reaction I'm going to get in response to this, but honestly, I would want to switch lives with a guy.

Why? Simple curiosity.

I always wonder what goes through a guy's mind when they see a girl or get stuck in an uncomfortable situation, etc. How differently they process things than a woman does.

And I would love to not have to worry about a lot of hair and girly clothes for a day. (Even though I have that attitude some days as a girl . . .)

I just think it would be fascinating to see everything from the other side. When I write from a male point of view in my stories, I never know if I'm doing it right. It would be awesome to say I do know how a guy thinks/feels/reacts.

Plus, I couldn't resist the pretty picture I got to put with this topic! :)

We Interrupt Your Broadcasting . . .

Okay, blogging really. But I wanted to draw your guys' attention to this awesome giveaway. (And yes, to score more points for myself.)

This awesome book blog I follow is giving away a KINDLE!!! Yes, you read that right. And I really want one so . . . hey, it's worth a shot right?

Anyways, if you want, check it out at A Life Bound By Books.

*fingers crossed*

Day 16 - Something You Could Live Without

I could do without insecurity.

I could do without all the questioning. All the thoughts that swirl around and threaten to knock your self-confidence down a few notches.

I could live without looking at myself and picking over every flaw and thing I don't like. I usually do pretty well with myself, but insecurity lurks, waiting for its opportune moment to strike and achieve its goal of making me feel bad about myself.

Example: I swear every dress they make is for tall, skinny, non-curvy figures. If you have curves and you're short, well, you're basically screwed. It's even worse when every other girl in the dressing room is exactly what you aren't: tall, stick-figured, and fitting into the clothes perfectly. It made me pause and look at myself and pick over every single thing I hated about my body.

I could live without wondering if my personality is unattractive. I wish I could be secure in it and say, "This is me. If  you like me, woohoo!! If you don't, sorry. No skin off my back." There are days when I actually achieve that attitude, but it's not every day.

Yes, I could definitely live without insecurity.

Day 15 - Put Your iPod on Shuffle & Share the First 10 Songs

1) Stood Up - A Fine Frenzy

2)Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade

3)Crossroads - John Mayer

4)Hey Stephen - Taylor Swift

5) Letter to Me - Brad Paisley

6) I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

7) Won't Stop - OneRepublic

8) Darcy's Letter - "Pride and Prejudice" Soundtrack

9) Long Time Coming - Oliver James from "What A Girl Wants" Soundtrack

10) Life On Earth - Band Of Horses from "Eclipse" Soundtrack

That's impressive that there's no Glee. I think half my iPod is Glee.

Day 14 - A Picture of Something You Ate and 10 Confessions

Megan and I cooked Chicken Parmigiana and garlic mashed potatoes today.

And it was SO yummy!

It even looked pretty!

It also reminded me how much I enjoy cooking and working with my hands. I have to do that more often.

As for my confessions . . .

1) I can't stand not taking a shower every day. Maybe it's because it's something that I do every day and it's routine, but I feel so off and icky when I don't.

2) Laugh all you want, but I can't sleep without my blanket. I crashed at Megan's last night without it and woke up way too many times looking for it.

3) I do everything I can to avoid confrontation.

4) I detest school. Loathe it. I love to learn, but the being graded and tests and all that . . . it just sucks.

5) I desperately wish I knew how to play piano. And acoustic guitar.

6) I don't think anyone realizes exactly how much of my day is spent reading. I think it would be safe to say over half of it is. (Thank goodness for ebooks!)

7) I love being creative with fashion, but I usually chicken out on actually wearing what I've come up with.

8) I am guilty of people watching and making up stories for them in my head. (Much more exciting, non-mundane stories.)

9) As much as I complain about being short and the disadvantages it has, I wouldn't change it.

10) I used to want to be a stunt driver.

Day 13 - Write a Letter Telling Someone Something You Could Never Tell Them

Dear You,

You were good, I give you that. You smiled and I fell. I trusted every false word. I gave my friendship and my loyalty to you. I trusted you.

I didn't look hard enough. I didn't trust my instincts. So, I let you turn on me. I let you crush every ounce of love and care I gave you. And I let it hurt me. I let it affect my ability to trust and see the good in people.

In short, I let it change who I was.

But now, I'm telling you this: no more. I won't let you have any more power. I will be friendly, but keep you at a distance. The bruises and cuts will heal and I will learn to love them as much as any part of me. Because of you, I will see the true value of meaningful friendships and relationships. I will appreciate them all the more.

In fact, thank you for that. Thank you for showing me what a real friend is and what the power of love and sincerity can bring to my life. Thank you for teaching me to keep those I can trust and count on close; for teaching me to love them more.

I sincerely wish you the best in your life. I hope you can find your own meaning in it.

~ Me