Give Up

I've been absent lately and I apologize for that. I've been struggling with the next day topic and I got so frustrated I had to just step away for a bit. I'm still working on it, but don't expect it any time soon.

Things have been rough lately. I'm not sure why and I don't think I completely understand it, but I didn't really want to write about it. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to deal with people telling me to go to therapy or get myself on medication. I'm sure they mean well, but I just didn't want to hear it. (I still don't, but I'm sure I'll get some.)

I'm so done with school, especially this semester. It's a struggle to pay attention in my classes, let alone drag myself to them. I love the learning and opportunity to further myself. But the tests. And the homework. I'm fed up with the stressing over whether I'm performing to someone else's standards and whether I'm learning the "correct" things. I know there are essentials that I need to know, but as for the other things like interpretations and meanings . . . can't I decide those for my own? Can't I figure out what is going to be most beneficial to me and to my life?

And people. My patience has been so stretched lately. I've got a tenuous grasp on it. But honestly, I'm so sick of feeling judged or frowned upon by every person around me. I know, I know, I'll get that everywhere in some degree for the rest of my life. For some reason, I've felt it in unnecessary abundance around me lately. If you don't agree with me, so sorry, but I am allowed to have my own opinions. I am allowed to be who I want to be and have my own beliefs. I'm not killing people or going against my morals or harming anyone else. If you don't like it, no one said you had to stick around, especially if you're just going to tell me how wrong I am or how disapproving you feel of me. Guess what? We were all raised differently. I respect your views and don't force mine on you. All I'm asking is a little of the same consideration. I don't understand why that's such a hard concept to grasp.

And still, there's always that horrid feeling of loneliness. Like I'm alienated. I have no idea how to handle it or the rest of my life for that matter.

I'm ashamed to say I've entertained thoughts of giving up and running. Because right now, I just can't find the strength to fight back and blaze my own path. I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Forget it. I'm done."