I feel like one of the phrases I hear directed at me most is, "It's like you only exist when they need something."
I hate that phrase. I hate that people see me that way. And every time I try to point it out or make a stink about it, I find myself in a worse situation. I get caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I keep being the convenience friend or do I make myself a thorn in someone's side?
No matter what, I will always come in second. Or third. Or fourth. And so on.
Is it so wrong to want to be someone's first? To want someone to care about me before everyone else? Because that's what I find myself wishing for. I want someone to call my own, someone who will let me put them first and who will put me first in return. Someone who wants to jump to my defense or be protective and possessive of me because they love me. It seems like a selfish desire and so I feel bad wanting it. But still . . .
I want to be first to someone.
1 comment:
Ya know girlie, This may sound like crap coming from me. In fact I'm sure it will because it always did when I heard it from other people when I felt like you did. But! I did feel that way not too long ago. And then I found that someone where I LEAST (and i mean least!) expected it. I was so sick of hearing it comes when you're not looking for it because I felt like I couldn't stop looking for it, I wanted it so bad. And ya know what, you don't necessarily have to not look for it. But just trust that it will come. As hard as that is (and I swear I know how hard it is because 6 months ago that was really really all i wanted, to have someone to share my life with completely and i doubted I'd ever find it either).
There is a quote that goes "Wait for the boy who will do anything to be your everything" and when I found my guy I finally felt that. And you're great so I know you will too! But just maybe not on your time table or in the pretty package situation you'd prefer or expect. Just don't give up on it because you can have it and you deserve to have it.
And like I said, I recognize it sucks to hear but I guess I felt the need to say it anyways because hopefully it can give you a bit of hope coming from someone who has been in your shoes. And also to tell you, its not wrong to feel that way at all! Being someone's first is what you deserve. :D
and Sorry if that was way out of line. I just really related to what you wrote and wanted you to know or to try and help if I could. You rock! I miss being your neighbor!
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