Torn

They say time heals all wounds. Do you believe it?

I don't.

Maybe physical and superficial wounds, but not the ones that really cut at your heart. I think they're always there, waiting to be torn open when you're not expecting it. You may be lucky and never have them torn open. You may be partially lucky and only have a few torn open.

I feel like every deep wound I have has been torn open this past week. And now, they're healing again.

Except for one.

That one keeps getting opened wider and wider. I keep waiting for someone to patch it up. I can't reach it anymore.

But it's beyond help now. The people around me keep ripping it open. Whether this is intentionally or not, it's happening. Am I supposed to be learning from it? Maybe. For right now, I can't look at it as a learning experience. Because it's crippling.

Every time it's been pulled further open, my breath catches, my heart stutters, and I find myself fighting back tears. It's happened a lot these last three days.

Maybe I'm being selfish.

I know others are hurting, fighting. And to those people, I am truly sorry. For everything I've done. I'm not proud and I feel awful about what has happened.

But I am still hurting. Whether it's because I'm beating myself up or because of someone else, I am hurting.

To tell everyone this is not a proud moment for me. In fact, it makes me want to go hide in the furthest corner of the world. But I had to get it off my chest.

This is my theme song for the day:

Nothing's fine, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor
                                         - Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn"

I can't tell you how appropriate that song is for me right now.

I don't even know if this all makes sense. I just had to throw it out there. Admittance is the first step to recovery, right?

~Sydney